Becoming the Parent You Always Needed: Rewriting Your Inner Voice

Growing up, I was always incredibly hard on myself. Every little mistake felt like a failure. Every imperfection felt like proof that I wasn’t good enough. And for a long time, I didn’t realize why that inner voice of mine was so sharp, so critical. Until I took a deeper look.

I had a parent whose love was loud but laced with judgment — where affection often came with conditions, and high expectations left little room for softness. They weren’t a bad person. But they were raised in survival mode, and unknowingly passed that down. What I didn't understand as a child is that when love feels more like pressure than peace, we begin to associate worthiness with perfection.

That voice — the one that nitpicked everything I did, that told me I needed to be better, quieter, more put-together — wasn’t truly mine. It was inherited. And for years, I let it run the show.

But as I’ve grown, especially in young adulthood, I’ve started to realize something powerful: just because love wasn’t modeled in the way I needed, doesn’t mean I’m incapable of giving it to myself now.

I started talking to myself differently. More gently. I began noticing when I was slipping into self-blame or impossible standards, and I learned to stop and ask: Would I speak to a child this way?

For example, when I used to fail a test, my first instinct was to spiral into self-criticism: “You’re lazy. You’ll never be enough.” But I’ve learned to pause and instead say, “It’s okay. We had a lot going on emotionally — with that breakup, with the chaos at home — no wonder we couldn’t focus. But this doesn’t define us. This isn’t the norm we’ll settle for. I know we’re capable, and I know we’ll rise again.”

It was in those quiet moments — choosing grace over guilt — that healing began.

I became my own guide, the kind of parent I always wished I had. One that celebrates small progress. One that doesn’t punish imperfection. One that whispers, “You’re safe here. You’re growing. And that’s enough.”

This shift hasn’t just impacted how I see myself — it’s made me more compassionate toward others. And more importantly, it’s helped me break a generational cycle I never wanted to pass on. Because when you heal the harshness inside of you, you create space for future generations to thrive without fear of judgment. You make it possible for them to feel seen, accepted, and loved — simply for being.

If you're still living under the weight of that critical inner voice, know this: it can change. You can change it. It takes time, intention, and a lot of unlearning. But the softest parts of you — the ones that were overlooked — deserve to be heard now.

Speak kindly to yourself. Be patient with your progress. And remember: healing doesn’t mean erasing the past, it means choosing a different future — one rooted in gentleness, acceptance, and real self-love.

You are allowed to be everything you needed, and more.

Photo by JA BRANDING on Unsplash